Hi, my name is Tracy and I was diagnosed with BPD several years ago. I wanted to try and tell people about how hard it is to live with BPD. I want to tell you about the chaos that is the rollercoaster ride between the highs and lows of BPD. I have been told to warn you about possible trigger warnings before I start this, so now you have been warned here are some things I have noticed while living with BPD…
You might think it is the severe depression or crippling anxiety that make living with BPD so hard, but that is not true at all. In fact, it is the other end of that scale that makes this disorder so chaotic. Let me explain…you see, most people know there are highs and lows with BPD, but what most people don’t get is the levels between those emotions and their ferocious frequency that can turn everyday life into utter chaos. I can be feeling on top of the world one moment, then for seemingly no reason at all I tumble down, shouting at people and pushing them away, then I get upset because they are walking away, then I get angry at myself and will often find I lock myself in my bedroom and cry myself to sleep.
But don’t worry! Because the next day I am up as bright as a button and talking to all my friends again (who are often left confused by my behaviour, but mostly understanding). Sadly I have a little more work to do with win round my girlfriend who got the full brunt of my explosive anger, but again she is kind of understanding as I have tried my best to explain what BPD is. And so round and round I go, pushing people away, pulling them close, it’s just so damn tiring all the time and sometimes it can all happen so fast it makes me feel dizzy!
If it wasn’t for the “highs” of BPD I think I would be able to cope much easier. I am not taking anything away from people suffering from severe depression, I just feel I would prefer that over having BPD, because it is the BPD ride that takes its toll on me the most. When you tell people the symptoms of BPD you will often find they are a little dismissive of them as would I looking from the outside in. But what people don’t understand is the toxic mix of them…
Imagine each of the 9 main symptoms of BPD being a little piece of mouldy fruit. A single mouldy grape, a small piece of mouldy orange and maybe a black banana, each of those things are bad, but living with BPD is like sticking all those things into a blender and mixing them up and drinking them on a daily basis. You never know how it is going to make you feel, but the end result is that the mix of those symptoms will always make you feel bad I’m the end.
This post isn’t about trying to make people feel sorry for me, it is about helping others understand what living with BPD is really like. The daily chaos, the daily struggles. Sure, even those of us with BPD have good days, but they are little more than a chance to breathe before being pulled back into the mouldy smoothy of symptoms again. Stay strong people and if there is one piece of advice I can offer it is to simply take one day at a time and if other people don’t understand about your BPD don’t worry about what they think or simply dismiss as non-understanding, because the truth is BPD is pure chaos and not something people can fully understand unless they have it (which I wouldn’t wish upon anyone).
